2016 was the year the pundits called it wrong in almost every regard.
So what on earth could 2017 have in store?
Who better to turn to than our own Piers Morgan, the man who predicted Donald Trump would be President, for a wry look into his crystal ball…
JANUARY
Piers Morgan predicted that Donald Trump would become President of the United States
The Supreme Court backs the High Court’s ruling that Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty, triggering formal commencement of Brexit,
has to be approved by Parliament. Leave campaigners immediately explode
with fury at this decision, saying the very last thing they wanted from
Brexit was to be bossed around by our own sovereign law-makers or
Parliament.
‘If
only we’d stayed in bloody Europe, their judges and politicians would
never have let this happen!’ moans Michael Gove from a holiday villa in
Marbella.
Donald Trump is inaugurated as President of the United States.
As he says the oath of office, a distraught Hillary Clinton
rushes the podium with a banner saying: ‘I SHOULD BE SAYING THIS, I’M A
WOMAN!’ President Trump moves into the White House and promptly
announces extensive renovations to turn it into the Gold House.
Sir Andy Murray
is beaten in the Australian Open final for the sixth time, in straight
sets by home-grown bad boy Nick Kyrgios, who celebrates by punching
himself repeatedly in the head. An online campaign to ban Murray from
being described as British is launched by Wayne Smith, a Ukip-supporting
builder from South London. ‘Murray’s a useless Scottish idiot,’ he
tweets. ‘Why should we English people have to pretend he’s one of ours?’
FEBRUARY
Singer Cheryl with her boyfriend Liam Payne from pop group One Direction
Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini-Cole has a baby boy by her boyfriend, Liam Payne from One Direction. They name him Simon. ‘He’s very demanding, never listens to me and spits out his dummy a lot,’ explains Cheryl.
Another pop star, Lady Gaga, performs the half-time show at the Super Bowl in Houston. Madonna
joins her on stage and claims they are secret sisters, born as part of a
hideous government-orchestrated human genome experiment that went badly
wrong.
‘Can
there be any further evidence that we are the two greatest victims and
survivors in the history of mankind?’ Gaga shouts, as they strip naked
to sing Born This Way before banking their £20 million fees.
Harper
Beckham, five, stars in her own catwalk show at London Fashion Week.
‘It was entirely her idea and absolutely nothing to do with me and Victoria shamelessly exploiting our young kids to promote Brand Beckham,’ explains proud dad David.
Next morning, Harper is photographed on her way to school. ‘This is a
disgusting invasion of our little girl’s privacy,’ rages her father in a
press statement delivered at the global launch of his 11-year-old son
Cruz’s new album.
On
the 20th anniversary of Dolly, the first cloned sheep, Jeremy Clarkson
reveals he is cloning himself 100 times. This leads to an immediate
dramatic fall in UK immigration numbers.
MARCH
Theresa May triggers Article 50, formally starting Britain’s exit from Europe, predicts Piers
Theresa May triggers Article 50, thus formally starting Britain’s exit from Europe. The world doesn’t immediately end.
‘See,’ says Boris Johnson, below, standing proudly outside Chevening. ‘As I told you in that first draft of my pre-referendum column, all talk of a post-Brexit apocalypse
was just a load of old de Pfeffel, as my parents like to call me.’ Next
morning, markets tumble, the pound dives, house prices crash and Mrs
May declares a state of emergency.
‘See,’
says Boris, now in hiding at his heavily barricaded holiday home in
Greece surrounded, ironically, by ancient crumbling ruins: ‘As I told
you in the second draft of my pre-referendum column, all that talk of a
post-Brexit apocalypse was absolutely… spot-on.’
Donald Trump
announces work will begin on his much-anticipated plan to secure the
1,000-mile southern border with Mexico – dubbed ‘The Concrete Curtain’ –
and invites Vladimir Putin
to the opening ceremony. Putin – evoking memories of Reagan’s
Brandenburg Gate command to Gorbachev – declares: ‘Mr Trump, build up
this wall!’
APRIL
Piers Morgan thinks the Brangelina divorce will take a turn for the 'diabolical'
On the first of the month, Jeremy Corbyn sensationally
resigns, admitting: ‘I’ve suddenly realised I’ve dragged my party into
an utterly unelectable sewer of union-dominated infighting,
jobs-for-the-militants cronyism, and communist policies so extreme even
Chairman Mao would have rejected them.’
Two hours later, Corbyn appears on live TV with a massive grin on his face and says: ‘April Fools!’ He then announces a new Labour Party
rule stating that anyone who becomes a member and solemnly declares
undying support for Corbyn as leader gets a free beard trimmer, silver
shell-suit and subscription to Pravda.
The Brangelina divorce takes a turn for the diabolical as Angelina Jolie orders her lawyers to write to Brad Pitt to
demand custody of the couple’s Botox surgeon, Dr Linesmoother. ‘He can
have the kids, the houses and the cars,’ she announces in an
expressionless statement from the Congo jungle, where she is sourcing a
new family to bring home to deploy as a brand-enhancing fashion
accessory. ‘But he’s not having Linesmoother. It’s a fundamental breach
of my human feminist rights as a surgically enhanced actress!’
Alastair
Cook announces he is continuing as England cricket captain, despite the
4-0 drubbing in India. ‘I’ve had time to reflect on that result and
concluded it was all Kevin Pietersen’s fault,’ he explains, even though
Pietersen wasn’t playing in the series.
MAY
Marriage is on the cards for Pippa Middleton (left) and her boyfriend James Matthews, thinks Piers
Pippa Middleton marries financier James Matthews. To the astonishment of Royal watchers, her sister Kate
wears an outrageously figure-hugging dress and performs Beyoncé-style
booty wiggles as they enter the church. ‘Oh dear, did I upstage the
bride?’ Kate is heard giggling to friends later.
Leicester City are relegated from the Premier League
exactly a year after they won it. ‘We’re all absolutely gutted, sick as
parrots and about as far from over the moon as footballers could
possibly be,’ says tearful striker Jamie Vardy, as bailiffs arrive to
impound his Melton Mowbray mansion. Better news for Chelsea, who become champions by narrowly beating off Manchester City. Arsenal come 5th and delighted manager Arsene Wenger celebrates by signing a new 20-year contract worth £250 million.
‘In
these turbulent times, I provide incredible consistency,’ he says. ‘Who
else could qualify for the Champions League 21 times without ever
winning it, or go 13 years without winning the Premier League?’ I
celebrate by throwing myself off Beachy Head. ‘Sounds like a win-win,’
chortles Wenger on hearing the news.
In France,
Right-wing candidate Francois Fillon wins the presidential election,
beating far-righter-wing candidate Marine Le Pen by being marginally
less offensive about immigration, Islam and family values. ‘He may be
repulsive,’ says one liberal French voter who voted for Fillon, ‘but
she’s absolutely revolting.’
JUNE
Here comes the bride? A tongue-in-cheek glimpse at how Harry's big day could look
After a whirlwind engagement, Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle in
a star-studded service at Westminster Abbey watched by billions around
the world. As the 35-year-old American divorcee actress shimmies down
the aisle, Prince Philip is heard murmuring to the Queen: ‘So this is Wallis Simpson all over again, only with thespian tendencies, right?’
At
the Buckingham Palace reception, Harry shouts: ‘I’m so happy I could
sink a barrel of beer!’ And that’s exactly what he does, ending up drunk
as a skunk and playing naked billiards with actors from Meghan’s hit US
legal drama, Suits.
Kim Kardashian, right, files for divorce from Kanye West.
‘I’m come to realise that Kanye’s just an attention-seeking,
publicity-ravenous show-off,’ she says in a statement. ‘And there’s only
room for one of those in this marriage.’
Piers thinks that June will be the month that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West file for divorce
JULY
Sir
Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, beating Novak Djokovic in the final. ‘Never
been prouder to be British!’ tweets Wayne Smith, from South London.
James Corden persuades
the Pope to sing Stairway To Heaven and Save A Prayer For Me Now on his
US chat show segment, Carpool Karaoke. ‘It’s an incredible honour to
meet such a globally beloved and popular public figure,’ Pope Francis tells Corden.
Theresa
May spends her two- week summer holiday with husband Philip at a
caravan park in Middlesbrough. ‘Who needs the so-called European glamour
of St Tropez, Barcelona or Rome when you can have all THIS in
Britain?!’ she tells the media, pointing to a mud-splattered,
rain-soaked, freezing, empty field.
Ex-PM David Cameron
takes a bunch of his old Eton schoolmates on a lads’ holiday by private
jet to South Africa where they go trophy-hunting wild animals, guzzle
£10,000 bottles of Chateau Latour and do despicable things to severed
pigs’ heads. ‘God, it’s good not to have to pretend to be one of the
bloody common people any more,’ Cameron guffaws.
AUGUST
Angela Merkel is re-elected Chancellor
of Germany after vowing to deport the one million migrants she let in
last year, writes Piers
A
total solar eclipse occurs on the 21st, the first that will be visible
right across America for 28 years. As the nation blacks out, Hillary Clinton declares: ‘Donald Trump has turned our country into a very dark place – exactly as I predicted.’
This
month marks the 55th, 40th and 20th anniversaries of the deaths of
Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana respectively.
As
a result of this eerie coincidence,no major living celebrity leaves the
safety of their own home for the whole month. Deprived of headlines,
many require psychiatric treatment for Post Attention Withdrawal
Disorder.
Angela Merkel is re-elected Chancellor of Germany
after vowing to deport the one million migrants she let in last year.
‘I let my kind human heart rule my ruthless political head,’ she says.
‘It will never happen again.’
Usain Bolt
bows out from competitive sprinting by winning the 100m, 200m and
4x100m relay at the World Championships in London, cementing his status
as the greatest athlete of all time. He celebrates by eating 500 chicken
nuggets and taking the entire cast of this year’s Victoria’s Secret
Fashion Show to bed. ‘I’m on the 5/2 diet,’ he chuckles. ‘Five
supermodels for every two nuggets.’
SEPTEMBER
Piers tips Nigella Lawson (pictured) to replace Mary Berry as Great British Bake Off host
The Great British Bake Off relaunches
on Channel 4 with Nigella Lawson, below, replacing Mary Berry. Ratings
plummet from ten million viewers to three million, and the show is mired
in a drugs scandal when Nigella is accidentally caught on camera trying
to snort some icing powder.
Meanwhile, the BBC
launches a new cake show called Berry’s Bakery, starring Mary, which
pulls in 15 million viewers. ‘That’s the way the lemon drizzle cake
crumbles,’ she giggles.
Apple releases
the eagerly anticipated iPhone 8. It allows you to take selfies in
1,000 different ways, with 10,000 beautifying filters, but no longer
provides a phone call option. ‘Our customers are so narcissistic they
just don’t have time to speak any more,’ confirms Apple boss Tim Cook.
OCTOBER
Nigel Farage becomes the star of the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, Piers predicts
Nigel Farage becomes the star of the new series of Strictly Come Dancing.
His leaden-footed paso doble with dance partner Katya Jones is given a
perfect 10 by new head judge Ed Balls, who gushes: ‘Rather like your
Brexit campaign, that was so bad it was brilliant!’ Alas, when it is
pointed out that the dance is Spanish and that Katya was born Ekaterina
Sokolova in Russia, Farage withdraws from the contest and vows to take
up morris dancing instead.
His
place on the show is taken by Ed Miliband, who slips over the moment he
walks on stage, and breaks his leg, thus becoming the only contestant
in the show’s history to score a perfect zero and be eliminated before
even dancing a single step. ‘I’m gutted for him,’ says his smirking
brother David.
NOVEMBER
The
first passenger Virgin Galactic space flight takes place, with Sir
Richard Branson proudly on board with his wife Joan. ‘I couldn’t be more
thrilled,’ he announces after the successful mission. ‘I’ve always
wanted to join the 68,000 mile high club!’
Lewis Hamilton
regains his Formula 1 title after ignoring team orders all season.
‘There is no “I” in “team”,’ declares a Mercedes spokesman. ‘There are
three in “Lewis is a winner,” ’ replies Hamilton.
DECEMBER
On
the 50th anniversary of the world’s first heart transplant, Lord Sugar
announces that he has applied to have one. The application is swiftly
rejected on the grounds that surgeons can find no actual evidence of any
existing heart in the Apprentice host’s body.
Meghan
Markle reveals she is pregnant. As she’s from a mixed-race family (her
mum is African-American, her dad is white), the baby is the first
non-white child born to a member of the Royal Family. Our Monarchy is
thus finally, and thankfully, propelled into the glorious multi-cultural
modernity of the nation that it represents.
Even
better, Meghan has turned out to be a wonderful princess – smart,
beautiful, hard-working, refined, well-behaved and talented.
‘At last!’ says the Queen, in her traditional Christmas message.
As
2018 arrives there is yet more shocking health news from the world of
showbiz: Keith Richards is still alive. ‘I’m as stunned as anyone!’ he
cackles, swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and puffing on a
gigantic spliff. ‘Happy New Year!
No comments:
Post a Comment